Loving Beyond Valentine's Day
“The giving of love is an education in itself.”
— Eleanor Roosevelt
Valentine’s Day has come and gone, and with it, the heart-filled window displays, boxes of chocolate, and Hallmark cards. For some, February 14th provides a welcome opportunity to reaffirm devotion to a loved one; others loathe the day. But what is often overlooked in the frenzy of this 24-hour love extravaganza is the fact that a single day represents a very tiny part of any love story or relationship.
So how do we continue to appreciate and nurture the various languages of love past Valentine’s Day? While there is no “one-size-fits-all” romantic relationship, therapists and psychologists have identified important commonalities in healthy partnerships as well as tools we can use to improve our own.
In the 1970s, psychologists Robert Levenson and John Gottman conducted studies on relationship dynamics in which they asked couples to resolve a dispute or disagreement. By observing the couples’ interactions, the psychologists predicted the longevity of the relationships, with 90% accuracy. As a result of this and other studies, Gottman developed a series of recommendations for maintaining healthy relationships, including the concept of the 5:1 formula: “…maintaining a certain number of positive interactions during moments of conflict is the secret to a stable and lasting relationship, and it takes at least five positive interactions to overcome one negative one.”[1]
Let’s explore some of these positive interactions and the role they play in strengthening and supporting the bond between you and your partner.
In my therapy practice, the number one complaint for those who feel dissatisfied with their relationship is not feeling seen, heard, or appreciated by their partner. I cannot stress enough that in the midst of our busy and distraction-filled lives, daily attention is one of the most important ways to nurture your partner and your relationship. As the philosopher Simone Weil said, “Attention, taken to its highest degree, is the same thing as prayer. It presupposes faith and love.”[2] Attention can take many forms, of course. It can be simply sitting down and listening to your partner intentionally, without any phones or other distractions.
I’m also a big fan of creating rituals within relationships. Find common activities that you and your loved one enjoy and carve out time to make them happen with regularity. It’s a wonderful way to check in and enjoy each other’s company. Watch an episode of your favorite show together, do the Sunday crossword puzzle, or go for a walk together every weekend. Designate one night a week to cook together, or commit to a “date night” every month. Whatever you choose, the act of making that commitment and sticking to it — thereby showing up for your partner — is what counts.
Simple physical touch is another way to show attention and affection, and it doesn’t have to be sexualized. Taking someone’s hand under the table, squeezing their shoulder, or rubbing their back are all easy ways to connect and remind your partner that you’re on their team. Of course, everyone has different preferences, and some people find it easier than others to give and receive physical affection. What’s important is that you and your partner communicate your needs and preferences to one another so that you can appreciate the attention that you’re giving and receiving. Anything can be an act of attention or love when it is done thoughtfully and noticed with appreciation, like doing a task or chore for your partner that they might not have time to do themselves, giving a meaningful compliment, or making intentional eye contact.
Above all, most of us just want to feel accepted and loved for who we are. Make an effort to show your partner that you accept and appreciate them unconditionally — including their flaws, quirks, and peculiarities, because you have them, too! Partners that “go the distance” are willing to work through their differences and disagreements because they feel secure and grounded in that unconditional love and acceptance.
In any serious relationship, the key tenets include respect, reciprocity, and daily attention. Partnership takes work, but much of the work can be joyful. If you have been feeling disconnected from your partner lately, seek out some of these touchstones — attention, physical touch, ritual, meaningful time — and see if you can find some loving common ground.
We don’t have to wait until next Valentine’s Day to cherish those we love.
[1] https://www.vogue.com/article/the-simple-formula-that-keeps-couples-happy-5-1-gottman
[2] Gravity and Grace, Simone Weil